The Agony of Emotional Entanglements: An Interview with Gu Yingmei

Gu Yingmei, a spirit who once served as a prison guard within the hells, sought deliverance through the compassionate guidance of Practitioner Su. Having endured a lifetime of profound emotional suffering and subsequent karmic retribution, she now resides in the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss. This interview was recorded on January 12, 2024, at the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre.

Gu Yingmei speaks:

"At this very moment, the long, winding, and treacherous road of reincarnation has finally come to a definitive halt. My body, weary from eons of aimless wandering through the six realms, can finally find a moment of true, profound rest. Yet, we all understand that this is not a cessation of effort, but rather a transition to a higher state of diligent practice, where we never forget to chant Namo Amituofo, twenty-four hours a day, in every waking and sleeping moment.

A Heart Overflowing with Dharma Joy

Right now, all sixty of us who served as prison guards are filled with immense Dharma joy, our hearts overflowing with infinite gratitude. We are deeply, eternally thankful to Practitioner Su for leading us to the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss. It is truly a magnificent and rare opportunity, a miracle that I once thought impossible, and my heart is moved beyond words. We have all knelt before the Buddha to kowtow, offering our deepest, most sincere thanks to the Greatly Compassionate Namo Amituofo and to our saviour, Practitioner Su.

Being human is truly a bitter, agonizing experience. If one must continue to reincarnate after death, then it is hardly worth coming to this world at all; one is merely here to suffer the consequences of past actions. But the debts are never fully repaid—we only pay back a tiny fraction, perhaps one in tens of millions, and the rest must wait until the next lifetime. If one creates new karma in this life, the burden only grows heavier, layer upon layer, until the weight becomes unbearable.

The Tragedy of a Woman's Life

I am Gu Yingmei, a woman born into a life of relentless hardship. How many people in this world share my wretched fate? I imagine there are many. My mother often told me with tears in her eyes, 'Being a woman is the most wretched fate.' I was only ten years old then, and though I did not fully grasp the depth of her sorrow, I could see that my mother was suffering deeply. If she had not held our family together with her own blood and sweat, it would have collapsed into ruin long ago.

Every woman hopes to marry a good husband and live a peaceful, stable life. Who would ever want to find a wretched man and suffer every single day? My mother was no different. But no matter how high one's standards are, one can still misjudge a person. The physical body is no match for the cruel arrangements of fate; often, we mistake our karmic creditors for our true loves, only to be trapped in a cycle of pain.

A Cycle of Betrayal and Despair

My mother chose my father, believing he would be her support for a lifetime, allowing her to live in comfort and prosperity. Who could have known that by the time I was born, our home—once grand and beautiful—would be reduced to bare walls, leaving us in utter poverty? Because my father was addicted to gambling and womanizing, he spent his days and nights away from home. He would often bring other women back, driving my mother to the point of vomiting blood right in front of me. The sight of her suffering was etched into my soul.

Watching my mother suffer so much, I asked myself: What should I learn from this? Seeing her pain, I vowed from a young age that when I grew up, I would never get close to a man. But what was the result? I do not know why fate is so cruel. Since childhood, I hated all men with a passion, yet in this life, I married four husbands, each marriage more agonizing than the last. I felt as though fate was mocking me. The more I tried to avoid something, the more I was forced to encounter it, all to ensure I would suffer and live a miserable life.

The Price of Saving a Mother

When I was fifteen, I planned to find work to support my family and care for my seven younger siblings. However, my mother suddenly fell gravely ill. No matter how many doctors we saw, she could not be cured. Her illness was strange, almost like she was possessed; she would constantly make bizarre sounds she had never made before. Desperate to save her, I sought help from doctors and diviners everywhere, but to no avail. I cried every day, running from place to place, asking for help. I told myself that no matter what, I had to save my mother. I did not want her to suffer, and I wanted to earn money to honour her and make up for all her years of sacrifice.

Eventually, I found a psychic. I do not know what practice he followed, but many said he was very accurate. I told him about my mother's condition. He looked at me and closed his eyes. When he opened them, he said, 'There is a man with the surname Xu waiting for you to marry him. If you meet him, he is your husband. Only by marrying him can you save your mother's life.' I was stunned. I had decided at ten years old never to marry, and now I was being told to marry a stranger! I wanted to ask why, but the psychic forbade questions. I had to listen and obey.

The Sacrifice and the Aftermath

Ten days later, a man named Xu appeared. He looked wealthy and was from out of town. We met by chance when he helped me pick up oranges I had dropped. When I learned his surname was Xu, I was terrified. He was attracted to me, and within days, he was pursuing me. I decided to sacrifice myself to save my mother. Regardless of what my life would become, I had to save her. I do not understand the nature of this karmic arrangement, but three days after I married him, my mother was miraculously cured. She went from being unable to leave her bed to being fully active and speaking with a clear, strong voice. I breathed a long sigh of relief; my mother was saved. My life with him was happy for eight years, until he died in a sudden accident. The pain of that separation was like a knife piercing my heart.

Before I could heal, I met another man. I projected all my emotions onto him, hoping to find comfort. He was kind, but after three years of marriage, he fell from a roof while repairing it and died instantly. My suffering deepened. My mother urged me not to seek another man, but I could not let go of my pain. Two years later, a third man appeared. I was so accustomed to having a man by my side, a strong shoulder to lean on, that I could not accept being alone. I married him, hoping for support. Five years later, he died of illness. When the fourth husband appeared, I resisted, but I eventually surrendered to my own inner insecurity. He was eight years younger than me, which was scandalous at the time. I did not care about the gossip because I craved emotional connection. However, this husband was different; I ended up caring for him. Five years later, I saw him holding hands with a younger woman in the street. I nearly went insane. I finally understood the depth of my suffering. I wanted to end my life, but the thought of my mother and six children stopped me. I put down the knife and vowed never to seek a man again.

From Human to Object: The Spirit's Penance

I began to dress in simple clothes and stopped wearing makeup. I had truly given up on using this body to find a man. Yet, I remained trapped in my own suffering. At sixty-five, a grandmother of seven, I looked back on my life as if it were a play. Had I awakened? Sadly, no. I died with a heavy, pained heart. Where did my spirit go? I became a shoe under a man's feet. Any man who fit the shoe could wear me, depending on our karmic affinity. I became a tool, worn every day, never leaving the side of a man. Was I content? I was full of regret, but there was no turning back. During my time as a shoe, I could feel the hearts of every man who wore me. Women are truly foolish; men can be distracted, but women are often loyal to one. I was worn into bars by several men. In my past life, I would have been furious, but after letting go, I felt nothing. I only hoped that all men and women would awaken: where there is emotion, there is suffering, and all companionship eventually ends in separation.

The moment I let go of my attachment to emotion, my spirit entered another pair of shoes—those of an elderly nun. I felt the purity of this nun; she had no desire or delusions, and her heart was always chanting 'Namo Amituofo.' I followed her in chanting. Through chanting and repenting, I was finally able to leave that state of being a shoe after several years. After my spirit was brought to the hells, the King of Yama gave me a chance to help those trapped there. I shared my experiences, hoping they would awaken. Later, I had the karmic affinity to hear Practitioner Su give Dharma talks, which led to a profound realization. I immediately began sharing the Buddha's teachings. I am deeply grateful for Practitioner Su's great compassion and marvel at his ability to perform Chao Du. His Dharma Body enters the hells to save these beings. I do my best to counsel them to repent and chant, hoping they can leave suffering behind. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be on the list for Practitioner Su to lead us to the Western Pure Land, arriving here alongside the other fifty-nine prison guards.

Namo Amituofo.

Gu Yingmei, with palms joined."