The Fatal Illusion of Suicide

Wang Jinbang, a former entrepreneur who took his own life decades ago, sought deliverance through the compassion of Practitioner Su during a rain-making Dharma assembly in Taiwan. This interview, recorded on April 25, 2021, captures his harrowing journey through the cycle of suicide and his eventual awakening.

Wang Jinbang speaks:

"Namo Amituofo. I am deeply grateful for this opportunity to participate in the great assembly to save the world, led by Namo Amituofo. Honestly, I feel I have no real qualifications or ability to be here. I am truly thankful for the kindness of Practitioner Su, and for the fact that the Buddha does not abandon a single being. Thank you, thank you all so much.

I was a business representative who lost my life to suicide during a financial crisis. My heart speaks for many small and medium-sized business owners today. Survival in this society is not easy. When you want to open a company, you must be prepared for the possibility of bankruptcy at any moment. You have to plan for the worst-case scenario; this is the crisis awareness that every business owner must possess. I have seen many companies burdened with millions in debt, still struggling to hold on. It is an incredibly difficult situation, and the current entrepreneurial market is far from forgiving.

The Crushing Weight of Despair

Those who start companies are people who refuse to give up even a shred of hope. They do not easily let themselves fall into despair. It is like trying to survive in the cracks of a wall, desperately searching for every possible opportunity. Such a life is exhausting. The current environment for startups is fiercely competitive. If a company cannot offer something creative or indispensable, it quickly loses its value and is eliminated. The consequence is a mountain of debt and a future that feels like a vast, empty void. How many young entrepreneurs today are living exactly this kind of life? If you want to be your own boss, you must have the capacity to endure this work.

I am Wang Jinbang. Decades ago, I invested my own capital to start a company, but before long, it collapsed under the vicious competition of the industry. I had invested all my assets into that business. On the day the bankruptcy was announced, I could not bear the weight of the debt and the pressure of life. I chose to burn charcoal in my office to end my life.

The Long, Agonising Process of Death

The process of dying was incredibly long. It was not an instant end. I slowly began to lose consciousness, and then, as oxygen ran out, the feeling of suffocation was absolutely excruciating! After I died, I remained in that space, trapped in a loop, repeating the moment of my suicide over and over again. It was agony! I still remember that just before I chose to burn the charcoal, I picked up the phone to call the woman I had failed the most in this life—my mother. We talked for a long time, and I told her many things. She had no idea what was happening and chatted with me happily. My heart was not in it, but to keep her from suspecting anything, I finished the conversation. After hanging up, I took some scrap paper from the office and prepared to burn it in the sealed room. I was determined to reach the end of the road. I never thought about surviving; I had made full preparations, including sealing the office completely. I had planned my suicide, and in the end, I succeeded in ending my life.

The Truth About Suicide

At thirty-five, I brought my life to an end simply because I could not face the hardships I encountered. I foolishly thought that death would allow me to escape all the responsibilities I had to bear. I never expected that 'death' would not bring me liberation. Instead, it brought a deeper, more profound suffering—a state from which I could neither escape nor stop the pain. After I died, I faced the same agonizing process of death every single day, trapped in that sealed space. I could not escape; I could only endure the punishment over and over again. If there is anyone in the world thinking of ending their life, I implore you to let go of that thought. The suffering you experience after suicide is a hundred times worse than what you face while alive. Suicide is absolutely not a way to liberation; it only makes you suffer more!

Drifting in the Dark Clouds

I deeply regret the decision I made back then because the pain I faced after death was truly unbearable. I cried out to the heavens and the earth, but no one could save me. It was not until one day that my spirit drifted into the sky with a wisp of black smoke. I entered into the dark clouds. Before that, I had already experienced the cycle of suicide countless times, and the pain was beyond words.

When I entered the dark clouds, I was pulled by powerful air currents. Sometimes the clouds were filled with thunder and lightning; other times, they were thick, layered clouds heavy with moisture. The changes in the clouds were constant. At first, I did not understand these shifts; I only knew when the moisture was heavy or when the air currents were turbulent. I followed the clouds, drifting with the wind, appearing and disappearing with the changes in the weather.

The energy field within the dark clouds was incredibly heavy and oppressive. Because of this, the beings who gathered there often shared similar temperaments. I had died by suicide, and there were many other spirits in the clouds who suffered from severe depression or were habitually pessimistic. Our habits were similar, so we gathered together, forming this heavy, suffocating atmosphere.

Finding Hope in the Light

I had been trapped in that gloomy environment for so long, unable to shake off that oppressive feeling, until I saw the light radiating from Practitioner Su. That was when I felt I had finally seen hope, rather than just endless darkness. I am so grateful for the appearance of Practitioner Su; it allowed me to believe that I could reclaim the value of my life. After listening to Practitioner Su's Dharma talks, I realized that the purpose of life is not just to 'live.' There is a deeper value to life, and there are many meaningful things one can do. Every word Practitioner Su spoke made sense and awakened my heart. I realized that life was not what I had imagined, and that existence is not limited to what I had experienced. I began to realize that I should not have chosen that dead end. Even when life encounters difficulties, there are many ways to break through them. I should not have made such a wrong decision.

There are many people today who suffer from the same depression and face the same difficulties I once did. I want to tell everyone: 'You deserve a better choice. There are better decisions you can make to unfold your future life. Please, do not choose this worst of all dead ends, because I have walked it, and this path is truly miserable. Do not walk this path of no return.'

A Lesson for the Living

I am truly grateful that I could accept this interview today. If not for this opportunity, I would never have been able to share these experiences. I know I set a very bad example, which is why I hope even more to tell everyone: 'Suicide does not mean you can just walk away. The suffering you must endure after suicide is a hundred or a thousand times greater, and your heart will not be liberated. On the contrary, it will become even heavier.' This is my true experience after going through it. Do not choose the wrong path, because it does not lead to liberation.

In life, there is indeed a great deal of suffering because everyone is lost in the game of life. When my company failed, I was immersed in the pain of bankruptcy and debt, completely unable to detach from that despair, and ultimately chose to end my life. Today, people in the world are walking in the same game. Many cannot wake up, and no one teaches them how to walk out of it. I have walked that path, so I understand that feeling. But now, having tried it, I know that 'ending it' is not a good method; it is the worst, most terrible choice.

Practitioner Su is the best teacher for life because everything Practitioner Su explains helps the human heart and teaches good concepts. These truths are enough to help modern people walk through the sorrows in their hearts. As long as everyone can calm their minds and listen to even one principle, it will be a great help to their lives. At the very least, it will prevent them from wanting to walk into a dead end.

Gratitude for the Rain

I am very grateful for the compassion of Practitioner Su and for the heart Practitioner Su has for all beings. This Causal Condition of seeking rain is what gave us, the spirits of the dark clouds, the opportunity to come out. I am very thankful for what Practitioner Su has done for all beings. The rain-seeking of Practitioner Su was very successful. We have seen more and more dark clouds gathering, which will bring abundant rain to the reservoirs. This is the rain that Practitioner Su's sincerity has brought to Taiwan. It allows us to see a true practitioner whose righteous energy and great vows can influence more people to join in the work of saving the world. We are also among those who have been awakened. I am very grateful to Practitioner Su for giving us the opportunity to serve sentient beings. Joining this rain-seeking journey has made me truly happy. A million thanks to Practitioner Su, and thanks to all those with whom I have karmic affinity. I hope the rainfall continues smoothly. Namo Amituofo."

Wang Jinbang

Memorial Tablet: Spirits of the dark clouds in central Taiwan who participated in the rain-making, bringing their connected sentient beings, countless in number. Representative: Wang Jinbang (Buddha assists in purification, recovery, and peace of heart).