The Journey of Sanmao: From Wandering Soul to Pure Land

The Wandering Soul

Li Jiaxian: After performing ten prostrations to the Buddha, it is my great honour today to interview the gifted lady of the literary world, Ms. Sanmao. Namo Amituofo, in His great compassion, does not abandon a single being. His vow power created the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss. Through the compassionate invitation of Practitioner Su, Ms. Sanmao was brought to the Western Land of Dharma Nature at the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre to listen to the Dharma. With the ripening of her Causal Conditions, she has now attained rebirth in the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss. We invite Ms. Sanmao to explain in detail the Causal Conditions that brought her to the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre and the process of her rebirth, so that the world may better understand the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss. Namo Amituofo.

Sanmao: My heart was like floating duckweed, drifting with the wind. I wandered to many places, yet I did not know where my true home was. Life is like a dream, and a dream is like life; my heart felt a deep, lingering sorrow. Where, I wondered, is my true home?

A Life of Romantic Sorrow

From a young age, due to the harsh punishments of my teachers, my sensitive heart was deeply wounded, leading to a profound sense of depression. I disliked interacting with the outside world and the crowds of people, preferring to lock myself away in my own ivory tower. My parents were heartbroken to see me this way. They tried to unlock the chains in my heart by encouraging me to learn various arts and painting, hoping to help me slowly step out of my isolation.

As I grew older, I experienced the first stirrings of love. I was swept away by romance and, despite my parents' opposition, I insisted on deciding my own future. Unexpectedly, I discovered that the man I loved was already married. I was devastated. My parents wanted to take me away from that place of sorrow, so we went abroad to continue pursuing my dreams. At that time, the trauma in my heart could not be healed for a long time. When I felt pain, I would pick up a pen and paper to record every detail of my inner journey. Sometimes, I would fantasise about romantic love, walking along the beach with a boyfriend, watching the sun set. The beautiful sunset would reflect across the surface of the sea in a myriad of colours. I often imagined I had a romantic love, so I began to draw and write books. After I submitted my work to publishers, they helped me publish my books, and my writings were frequently featured in the literary sections of newspapers.

The Cycle of Endless Suffering

In my two marriages, the people I loved most unexpectedly left me. My heart was wounded once again, and the pain was impossible to soothe. I often relied on sleeping pills to find rest, and I lived in a constant state of drowsiness. In that hazy, dreamlike state, I wrote down the innermost thoughts of my heart that no one else knew. Since my loved ones departed, I held little hope for life. Although my literary works were quite popular, my own life felt ethereal, with nowhere to return and nothing to rely upon. My depression grew increasingly severe, and I had to rely on medication to help me sleep. Sometimes, when I could not sleep, I would even increase the dosage. My body began to fail, and I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. I hit rock bottom. I had not a shred of hope for life left, and I relied on medication every day to suppress my illness, suffering immensely.

During my hospitalisation, I was often delirious. Sometimes I did not even know if I had taken my medicine, and at other times I would take it repeatedly. At that moment, I only wanted to quickly escape this body that I could no longer master. I thought that by ending my life in the hospital bathroom, I could be free from this diseased body. I did not realise that in this space, I would be trapped in a cycle of repeating that scene over and over again, forever unable to escape. Suddenly, I heard someone calling my name: Where is Sanmao? I was startled awake. My spirit followed a beam of light to the Hsiang Kuang Room, where I saw a Bodhisattva with a compassionate face and a gentle smile looking at me. She asked, Are you Sanmao? I replied that I was. This Bodhisattva then invited my spirit to the Dharma-Nature Land of the Hsiang Kuang Room. After listening to the Dharma, I understood that although I had come into this worldly realm carrying karma, the fruits I encountered in this life were all due to the causes I had sown in past lives. Everything I suffered was a result of the laws of karma and cause and effect. Only by seeking rebirth in the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss can one forever escape the suffering of the six realms of rebirth. I am deeply grateful to Practitioner Su for guiding me to the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss during the Thrice Yearning Ceremony.

The Karmic Debt of Past Lives

Li Jiaxian: Namo Amituofo. May I ask, Ms. Sanmao, when were your three souls and seven spirits drawn out, leading to your illness?

Sanmao: The trauma I experienced from my teachers when I was young left a memory that remained vivid in my dreams. One soul and one spirit were taken away then. Later, the trauma of my first marriage in adulthood caused two more spirits to be drawn away in my dreams. The pain of losing my lovers in both marriages caused me to weep uncontrollably in my sleep, searching everywhere for traces of them. At that time, another soul and three spirits were drawn out. My depression became more and more severe, and I often suffered from hallucinations. My condition worsened until I became weary of this world and chose that path of no return.

Li Jiaxian: May I ask, Ms. Sanmao, regarding your two marriages ending so early and the subsequent depression, were these your karmic creditors from past lives coming to find you? Namo Amituofo.

Sanmao: About four lifetimes ago, I was born into a scholarly family. From a young age, my parents hired a tutor to teach me the Four Books and Five Classics, and I was proficient in the zither, chess, calligraphy, and painting. When I grew up, my parents found a lady from a noble family for me to marry. Even though I already had a beautiful wife at home, I was not content. I had a wide circle of friends, often composing poetry with them, and I would even go to taverns where talented ladies would accompany us.

A Plea for the Living

I was a handsome man, and I loved to exchange musical skills with these talented ladies. They admired my talent, and a mutual understanding and love grew between us. You know how men are—when they have money, power, and talent, they replace young and beautiful women one after another. Some of them were unwilling to be abandoned by me, and in the end, some chose to end their own lives. There were far too many women whom I had abandoned and treated cruelly. After being cast aside, these women would spend their days in sorrow, ending their lives in misery.

Because of my desire, I owed too many debts of emotion. The three marriages in this lifetime caused me to suffer endless trauma. This was the karma I created in past lives, and the retribution I received in this life. My suicide was orchestrated by the women I had harmed; they drew me into it while I was delirious. I had treated them the same way in the past, and the retribution I received was the same pain they had suffered. Seeing the women I had abandoned and hurt, I could empathise with their pain. My own life was a process of experiencing that same suffering. Here, I repent for the women I harmed in my ignorance. I hope that Practitioner Su can perform Chao Du for the women I harmed in my past lives so that they may no longer suffer the pain of emotional wounds. May they receive the compassionate guidance of Namo Amituofo to be reborn in the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss, allowing them to escape the suffering of the six realms of rebirth. I also hope that the men and women of this world will no longer abandon one another so cruelly.

Li Jiaxian: Namo Amituofo! Thank you, Ms. Sanmao, for accepting this interview today.

Namo Amituofo