The Prison Guard's Awakening: Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Debt

This is a record of an interview with Song Yaxuan, a spirit who sought deliverance at the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre in Australia. He now resides in the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss. This account reflects upon his experiences across several lifetimes. The interview was recorded by the chief writer, Shi Fa, on August 11, 2024.

Song Yaxuan speaks:

"Namo Amituofo. I am profoundly grateful for the Causal Conditions that have brought me to this moment, allowing me to be reborn in the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss. This is a truly magnificent and rare opportunity, one that I and all my fellow spirits cherish beyond words. On behalf of all the prison guards in the underworld, I bow in gratitude to the Buddha, and I bow in gratitude to Practitioner Su. Namo Amituofo.

In a past life, I was known as Chen Yonghao. I lived in a quiet, ordinary town. My family background was modest, and for the most part, my early years were spent in a state of carefree innocence. However, even from a young age, I harboured an intense, almost desperate craving for emotional connection. I felt as though something vital was missing from my heart, a hollow space that I could never seem to fill, no matter how hard I tried. My parents loved me dearly, but their affection, as deep and sincere as it was, could not satisfy that gnawing sense of emptiness within me.

A Life Consumed by Attachment

As I grew older, I began to realise that what I was truly yearning for was the intensity of romantic love. When I was eighteen, I met Shen Xiaolin, a girl of my own age. She possessed eyes as clear as mountain springs and a smile that could brighten the darkest day. From the very first moment our paths crossed, I was convinced that I had finally found the person who would complete me and fill that void in my heart.

Xiaolin and I fell into a passionate, all-consuming love. Our connection was rapid and intense; every moment we spent together felt like a dream, as if we were the only two people in the entire world. Xiaolin returned my feelings with equal depth, and we made solemn vows to be together throughout our many lives, never to be separated. Yet, as the saying goes, good times are often fleeting. None of us could have anticipated that this seemingly perfect romance would begin to fracture in ways we could not perceive.

Xiaolin’s parents decided to send her abroad to study, and I found myself utterly unable to let go of our bond. The anxiety and fear within me grew like a wildfire. I was terrified that she would meet someone else in a foreign land, that she would slowly drift away and forget me entirely. Consequently, I became suspicious and controlling, constantly attempting to dictate her actions and decisions. This relentless pressure eventually crushed the very love I was trying so desperately to protect. Xiaolin decided she could no longer bear it and chose to leave me to pursue her own dreams.

The moment she walked away, I felt as though my entire world had collapsed. I could not accept this outcome; the pain and resentment festered within me, tormenting my every waking hour. I tried everything to win her back, but the damage was irreversible. In the end, consumed by total despair, I chose to end my life in an extreme act of desperation.

The Cycle of Samsara: From Man to Beast

However, death did not bring me the liberation I sought. Instead, it dragged me into a much deeper, more turbulent vortex of samsara. When I opened my eyes again, I found myself drifting through a dark, desolate space, surrounded by fragmented memories and raw, painful emotions. I felt an invisible force pulling me, dragging me toward another realm. I was terrified, struggling with all my might, but I was powerless to escape. Soon, my consciousness faded, and I was plunged once more into the cycle of reincarnations.

In the vast, suffocating darkness, I gradually felt a heavy pressure, a force pushing me into a new life. When I awoke, I was horrified to discover that I had been reincarnated as a pig—yes, a boar! In this lifetime, I was known as Dazhuang, raised on a farm. After becoming a pig, my consciousness became dull and clouded. My memories were like reflections in disturbed water, shattered and indistinct, yet the deep-seated attachment to emotion remained within me. Whenever I saw a sow, I felt an inexplicable attraction; those sows reminded me of the object of my affection in my previous life. I foolishly believed that if I could only be with them, I would satisfy that inner emptiness and find happiness.

My life as a boar was incredibly monotonous. Every day was spent eating and sleeping, with the occasional mating. That was the entirety of my existence. I still felt that same unfillable void, and this emptiness made me restless and irritable, as if some deep, primal desire remained forever unsatisfied. I searched and searched for something to fill that void, but it was all in vain. In that foolish pig-body, I never realised that the reason I had fallen to such a state was precisely because of that emotional attachment I could not let go of. I lived in a state of numbness, striving for meaningless desires, completely unaware that they were all illusions.

One day, the farmer decided to send me to the slaughterhouse. I was gripped by an unprecedented terror, but I was powerless to resist. I could only submit as they loaded me onto the truck. When I arrived at the slaughterhouse, the scent of death filled me with a fear I had never known before, but it was far too late. In those final moments, my consciousness suddenly became clear. I seemed to recall fragments of the past—I remembered that I had once been human, and I remembered the emotions and attachments I had once held so dear.

The Mirror of Past Lives

Yet, these memories blurred again at the moment of death. As I was slaughtered, my spirit was once again pulled into the darkness of samsara. That familiar vortex swept me up, and this time, I felt myself enveloped by a different force. When I regained consciousness, I found that I had been reincarnated into the human world as a girl named Li Yating. I was born into a scholarly family, and my parents had high expectations for me. From childhood, I was required to study various etiquettes and knowledge, living a life that was relatively disciplined and repressed. Although my family provided me with a life of material abundance and a fine education, I still felt an inexplicable emptiness in my heart—a void that seemed to have carried over from my past lives.

As I grew up, I began to encounter more people and experiences, and that emotional void within me only seemed to grow. When I was fifteen, I met a young man named Wang Zhiqiang. His temperament and the way he spoke deeply attracted me. I felt a strange, inexplicable sense of familiarity, as if I had known him for many years. In truth, this feeling was not unfounded. Zhiqiang was the reincarnation of my wife from my previous life, Shen Xiaolin! But in this lifetime, Zhiqiang was no longer that gentle, considerate woman; he had been reincarnated as a handsome, dashing man. The laws of karma and cause and effect had entangled us once again.

I quickly fell into an obsession with Zhiqiang. I poured all my emotions and hopes into this relationship, believing it to be the sole meaning of my life. Zhiqiang also showed a keen interest in me, and our relationship heated up rapidly, becoming the absolute centre of our lives. But to my shock, after some time, Zhiqiang began to grow cold toward me, eventually showing no concern for me at all. My heart was in agony. I could not understand why a relationship that had once been so beautiful could turn so sour. I began to reflect constantly on my own faults, even suspecting that I was not good enough, which had caused the relationship to deteriorate. I had no idea that this suffering was simply the continuation of the emotional debt I had failed to settle in my past life.

My inner pain deepened, and I became even more attached to the relationship. I tried desperately to win back Zhiqiang’s heart, performing many extreme actions in an attempt to get his attention, but these efforts only resulted in Zhiqiang treating me with even greater indifference. I began to suffer from insomnia and anxiety, exhausted in both body and mind. This emotional torment made it impossible to live, eventually leading to a complete mental and physical breakdown.

Awakening to the Dharma

One day, I happened to see Zhiqiang on the street. Just as I was happily about to approach him, I saw him embracing another woman intimately. At that moment, I felt my heart shatter into countless pieces. The feeling of betrayal was almost unbearable. I ran home crying and locked myself in my room, my tears flowing endlessly. That night, I dreamt that I was in a dark space, surrounded by countless fragments of past memories. I saw my foolish life as the boar, Dazhuang, and I saw the countless emotional entanglements and pains of my past lives. Those memories rushed in like a tidal wave, making me feel as though I were suffocating.

I woke up in a cold sweat, finding myself still lying on the bed, my pillow soaked with tears. This dream served as a wake-up call. It made me realise that no matter how great the pain in my heart, I had to resolve to let go of these emotions and stop paying the price for them. Just as I made this resolution, I had a similar dream. I felt as though I had arrived in an endless darkness, where the silence was terrifying. Suddenly, I saw a faint light flickering in the distance, drawing me toward it. When I approached the light, I found myself in a hall of mirrors. The mirrors all around reflected countless versions of myself, as if my spirit had been split apart.

In those reflections, I saw my different selves: Chen Yonghao, the boar Dazhuang, and Li Yating. Every life, every reincarnation, was so familiar yet so strange. I saw my past selves in different lives, constantly chasing after emotions, clinging to love and hate, all ending in pain. These reflections were like a reminder that those emotional debts were still entangling me. Suddenly, a familiar face appeared before me—Zhiqiang! I reached out to grab him, but I could grasp nothing. My consciousness was pulled into that space, and when I woke up, I was no longer myself. In my later life, I did not have much awareness; I only knew that I was still waiting for Zhiqiang to return, my heart still immersed in the happy memories of us, until that life came to an end.

In my next life, I was reincarnated as a boy named Song Yaxuan. I was born into a family that practised the Buddha’s teachings, and I grew up in an atmosphere of the Dharma. My elders often would recite the Sutras and teach the Dharma, and I was influenced by it, developing a natural affinity for the Buddha’s teachings. Unlike my past lives, in this lifetime, I maintained a sense of detachment toward emotions from a young age, having no strong desire for worldly romance. As I grew older, I began to study more sutras and gradually understood the truth of samsara. In a chance dream, I suddenly saw all my past experiences of reincarnation. At that moment, I truly woke up. I told myself that in this life, I must practise diligently and never again reincarnate for the sake of emotion.

A Final Deliverance

I finally understood that these emotions were nothing more than illusions within the cycle of samsara. Clinging to them would only bring endless pain and delusion. With this realisation, I decided to completely let go of past emotional entanglements. I would no longer be hindered by the memories of the past, but instead, I would focus on the present and dedicate myself to cultivating a pure heart. Until the end of my life, I focused on diligent practice, and whenever I had the opportunity, I would share my insights with others.

This time, when I left the human world, I did not enter a space of emotional entanglement, but instead arrived at the Hall of the Yama King. I am very grateful that the Yama King finally gave me the opportunity to serve, allowing me to accumulate merit and virtue. I am also deeply grateful that I was able to hear the sutras taught by Practitioner Su recently. Hearing these truths made me even more certain that I must achieve liberation and escape this cycle. I am truly thankful for the Causal Conditions of today, which have given me a genuine opportunity for liberation. I will cherish this deeply, for I know how rare this opportunity is, and it is my only chance to escape.

I will continue to practise diligently, never giving up any opportunity to learn and grow, and in the future, I hope to have the ability to help others as well. I am grateful to my Buddha, Namo Amituofo, and I am grateful to Practitioner Su. On behalf of all the prison guards, I bow in gratitude to the Buddha, and I bow in gratitude to Practitioner Su. Namo Amituofo.

Song Yaxuan, with palms joined."