From the Hells to the Western Pure Land: The Testimony of Shi Yuande

This is a record of an interview with Shi Yuande, who sought deliverance at the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre in Australia. He now resides in the Western Land of Ultimate Bliss. This account reflects upon his life, his struggles with deep-seated insecurity, and his time serving as a jailer in the hells. Recorded by the chief writer, Shi Fajing, on November 20, 2021.

Shi Yuande speaks:

"Namo Amituofo. I, Shi Yuande, have finally arrived at the Western Land of Ultimate Bliss. I am here with fifty-nine other jailers, and we are all kneeling in deep gratitude before Namo Amituofo and Practitioner Su. It is only through their boundless compassion that a soul as lost as mine could ever find such a sanctuary of peace.

I was born into a family of extreme poverty. There were twenty of us in total, all children, and my parents simply lacked the means to provide for so many mouths. One by one, they began to sell us off to whoever would take us. I was the fifth child, and the moment I was born, my parents were already waiting for a buyer to take me away. They were desperate to be rid of me. Even as a newborn, I could feel in the depths of my soul that I was unwanted. I felt a profound sense of insecurity, a terror that they would abandon me at any moment. I cried incessantly, day and night, which only made my parents more resentful. They would constantly complain, 'This child is such a burden! Find someone to buy him, quickly!'"

A Childhood Sold for Pennies

"I had been with my biological parents for less than six months when a couple finally came looking for a child. My parents were overjoyed at the prospect of finally being unburdened. They sold me for a pittance—I was the cheapest of all their children. My mother even sneered, 'This one is worth the least of them all!' It was a devastating realization for a child: if my own parents deemed my life worthless, did my existence have any value at all? I was too young to process these complex questions, but I felt the weight of their rejection. I cried for an entire month before I finally settled into a state of hollow resignation.

The couple who bought me became my adoptive parents. They were not wealthy, but they were kind. However, shortly after they brought me home, a local psychic visited them and asked, 'Where did you get this child?' When they told him they had bought me, the psychic warned them, 'You cannot keep this child. Whoever raises him will meet with misfortune. He is a jinx—he will bring death to either his father or his mother. If you truly insist on keeping him, you must pray to the Buddha for a long life.' Despite this chilling warning, my adoptive parents did not waver. They took me in, but my internal anxiety remained. I cried constantly, leaving them exhausted and fearful, always wondering if the psychic’s words would come true. I felt like a shadow that brought only coldness to those who tried to love me."

The Burden of a Cursed Existence

"My adoptive parents raised me with great difficulty. As I grew older, the crying subsided, but the gnawing insecurity in my heart never left me. I was a timid child, constantly shrinking away from the world. When they tried to teach me to walk, I was terrified. I would take a single step, stop, take another, and then collapse, weeping and shaking my head. I felt as though I had been born without a soul of courage. Everything I did was clouded by fear, as if I were walking on thin ice that could shatter at any moment.

When I was ten, my adoptive mother fell ill and passed away. My adoptive father followed soon after, falling into a severe illness. The village began to whisper, and people would flee when they saw me, terrified that my presence would bring death upon them. I was heartbroken. I did not understand why everyone treated me like a plague. When my father passed away when I was twelve, he told me with his final breath, 'Ah De, their deaths have nothing to do with you. Do not blame yourself. You must live your life with courage.' I was left alone in that house, consumed by fear, loneliness, and a complete lack of direction. I was an outcast, and the pain was unbearable. I felt as though I were a ghost haunting my own life, waiting for the end to come."

A Glimmer of Hope in the Wilderness

"After the funeral, I decided I could no longer stay. I took the small amount of money my parents had left me and wandered away from the village. I had no destination; I simply sought a place that would tolerate my existence. I slept on the roadside to save money, and on the twentieth day of my wandering, a man approached me. He noticed I had been sleeping on the street for three days and asked about my situation. When I told him, he didn't turn away. He said, 'There is no difficulty in this world that cannot be overcome as long as one is still breathing. I can see you are a kind child, just lacking in confidence. Raise your head! You can do great things. Come, stay at my home until you find your own place.' I had found a noble person in my time of need. I called him Uncle Huang, and he treated me like his own son.

Uncle Huang’s home was large, and he encouraged me to stay as long as I needed. He was the first person to truly talk to me, to listen, and to build up my confidence. With his help, I found a cheap place to rent and began to look for work. I was determined to start a new life. However, I failed at over a dozen jobs, each time being dismissed shortly after starting. My confidence shattered once more, and I retreated into my home, paralyzed by despair. I sat there every day, worrying about how I would survive, until I was down to my very last coin, which I used to buy a single steamed bun. I felt as though the universe was conspiring to keep me in a state of perpetual failure."

The Illusion of Success and the Void Within

"Just as I was about to give up, a wealthy businessman approached me. He wanted to buy the last bun, and when I offered it to him, he was so impressed by my gesture that he asked about my life. When I told him my story, he patted my shoulder and said, 'I can help you.' Under his mentorship, I learned the trade of business. I followed his instructions diligently, and soon, I was earning a good living. I felt hope for the first time. I worked harder than ever, and eventually, I tasted the fruits of success. When he passed away, he left his entire business to me, treating me as his own son.

Yet, even with all that wealth, the anxiety never left me. It was a darkness that lived inside my heart. I tried to drown it out with gambling, letting my heart race until I couldn't think. I tried to escape through the thrill of horse racing, riding the fastest horses until I broke both my legs. I tried to lose myself in the company of women, seeking physical pleasure to numb the pain. But eventually, I lost everything. My money was gone, my body was broken, and I was dying. I realized then that nothing in this world could provide the peace I was searching for. All the wealth and pleasure were merely fleeting shadows, unable to fill the void within my heart."

From the Depths of Hell to the Western Pure Land

"It was through a chance encounter that I finally came into contact with the Buddha’s teachings. When I finally let go of my attachment to seeking peace in the external world, when I let go of my cravings and desires, I simply chanted 'Namo Amituofo.' In that moment, my heart felt a profound sense of stability. I realized that true peace comes from within. I spent the remainder of my life sharing the Dharma with others, hoping to help them find the same peace I had discovered.

My life ended at forty, a short but precious journey. Before I became a jailer, I had to serve time in the hells to pay for my sins, which is why I cherish my current state so deeply. As a jailer, I constantly counseled the criminals, especially those who still possessed a human body. I begged them to remember the suffering of the hells so that they would not repeat their mistakes. After hearing Practitioner Su’s Dharma talks, I felt a burning desire for more people to hear these teachings, to understand what is real and what is false. Only by seeing clearly can one truly let go.

Now, I have returned to the Western Land of Ultimate Bliss. My heart is overflowing with gratitude—gratitude to Namo Amituofo and gratitude to Practitioner Su. Namo Amituofo."

Shi Yuande bows in reverence.

Namo Amituofo.