The Fragility of a Vow

This is a record of an interview with Shi Qiufeng, who sought deliverance at the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre in Australia. He now resides in the Western Land of Ultimate Bliss. This account reflects upon his life and his journey through the realms of samsara. Recorded by the chief writer, Shi Faxin, on August 2, 2024.

Shi Qiufeng speaks:

"Namo Amituofo. Right now, the golden, resplendent Western Land of Ultimate Bliss is right before my eyes, and I am trembling with joy. I am so deeply grateful to the Buddha for His compassion, and I am eternally grateful to Practitioner Su. Returning to the Western Land of Ultimate Bliss is, in essence, returning to my own true self-nature. I feel such immense energy coursing through my entire being. Looking out at the boundless expanse of this Pure Land, I can finally perceive the infinite mind-capacity of the Buddha. Today, all sixty of us jailers, along with immeasurable and boundless beings, offer our deepest gratitude to the Buddha.

I am Shi Qiufeng. From my earliest days, I have been a seeker of Truth. I wandered from place to place, constantly searching for the meaning of my existence in this world. I kept asking myself: Where is the place I truly belong? Where is my true home?"

A Childhood of Shadows

"These questions surfaced in my mind when I was just a small child. I would ask my parents, 'What should I do? Where am I going?' But they could not answer me; they only felt that I was a strange, perhaps even troubled, child. Beyond these questions, there was a dark, rebellious voice growing within me. It whispered that my life was hopeless—that no one could help me, and no one could ever truly understand the void I felt inside.

When this inner voice remained unresolved, I began to have thoughts of ending my own life. I was only eleven years old, and yet, I was terrified by the darkness of my own mind. I was constantly crying out for help, desperately trying to grasp even a single ray of light that might save me from myself."

The Battlefield of the Past

"Finally, when I was sixteen, a neighbour introduced the Buddha’s teachings to my mother. She clung to this sliver of hope and brought me to a temple. The moment I stepped inside, I felt a massive, invisible force pushing back against me, urging me to leave immediately. It was a dark, malevolent energy within my own body and mind, thrashing about, refusing to let me be saved. It was a complex, agonising sensation that forced me to endure and fight every step of the way.

I begged my mother to let me stay at the temple for just one night. Seeing the desperate, firm look in my eyes, she agreed. That night, I found it nearly impossible to sleep. When I finally drifted off, it was as if I had been transported to another space entirely. I was on a battlefield. The air was thick with a murderous, suffocating atmosphere that pressed down on my chest.

Suddenly, the drums of war began to thunder, and the two armies clashed. I was there, galloping on horseback, brandishing a heavy blade, charging headlong into the fray. In what felt like a heartbeat, enemy soldiers were falling under my relentless strikes. After the battle, the ground was littered with corpses, yet I found myself laughing—a cold, hollow laugh of victory. But then, the spirits of those I had slaughtered began to rise. They surrounded me, closing in. I screamed, 'Stay back! Don't come any closer!' but they just kept coming."

The Weight of Karmic Debt

"I woke up drenched in sweat, gasping for air. I could not stop myself from sobbing uncontrollably. I was repenting for the countless lives I had taken, for the heavy burden of blood I had carried through time. I knew, with absolute certainty, that the dream was not a dream—it was a memory of my past. Everything was too vivid, too real. I realised that the spirits of those I had owed were right there, surrounding me. I could feel them. A chill ran down my spine, and I felt a crushing despair. How could I ever repay so many lives?

It was three in the morning. I walked to the main hall of the temple and knelt before the Buddha. I looked up at Him, and His presence was so calm, so profoundly compassionate. I pressed my palms together and asked with all my heart, 'Buddha, please, what should I do with my life? How can I possibly repay this debt?' As I gazed at the Buddha, my heart began to settle into a deep, quiet peace."

A Vow to Serve

"Before long, I found my answer. I wished to spend the rest of my life in the temple, serving all beings. After making this decision, I bid farewell to my parents. I knew they would be heartbroken, but I dared not dwell on it. I knew I had a mission to fulfil and debts that had to be repaid. During my three years of service at the temple, I witnessed the immense suffering of many devotees. Almost every one of them was trapped in their own life, walking in circles as if lost in a maze, unable to wake up from their own delusions.

As I gradually realised that life was more than just what was before my eyes, and that one could expand their mind-capacity, my own heart began to open. I was able to help those troubled devotees find their own release. Many suffered for their families, for their work, for their endless pursuits. When they were finally willing to let go, their hearts naturally opened. Many were deeply grateful for my guidance."

The Test of Filial Piety

"By the fifth year, I shaved my head and became a monk. My body and mind were stable, and I constantly guided the faithful to practise Generosity and the release of living beings, helping one family after another become a 'Buddha-family.' I truly believed I would spend the rest of my days in the temple. But life took an unexpected turn. When I was forty-two, my family informed me that my father had developed dementia and that no one else was capable of caring for him.

My heart ached, and I fell into deep contemplation. What was I to do? After much deliberation, I decided to ask for a long leave of absence from the temple to return home and care for my father, hoping to fulfil the filial duty I had neglected for so long. I remembered that before I first came to the temple, my father was the one who understood me the least; he had even severed ties with me because of my choice. After all these years, I felt a profound sense of sorrow."

The Descent into Samsara

"When the temple granted my request, I packed my simple belongings. On the way home, I reflected on my life’s journey thus far. Seeing the busy, frantic crowds on the street, I understood the depth of suffering in this world. When I arrived home and opened the door, I saw my mother. She had aged so much since I left; my heart felt as if it were being squeezed. My father was sitting in a chair. I stepped forward to greet him, but he looked at me and asked, 'Who are you?' The bitterness of that moment was overwhelming, and I could not hold back my tears.

While I bathed him, he would mutter, 'I was truly angered to death by that unfilial son. He didn't come home for so many years, didn't send a word. It was a waste to give birth to him.' My heart was heavy, yet I did not regret my choice. I cared for him for five years, working odd jobs to make ends meet. During those five years, I became completely absorbed in secular life. I felt as though I had lived through a thousand lifetimes of hardship.

I asked myself if I still had the heart to practise, and to my horror, I could not answer. I felt I had no face to return to the temple. In a split second, I chose to remain in the secular world and live out the rest of my life in quiet resignation. My 'Way-seeking mind' was not firm enough, and I felt too ashamed to face the Buddha. At the end of my life, I fell ill. In the haze of my final moments, I saw a vast, dark earth, and my soul sank into it."

Redemption from the Hells

"After an incalculable amount of time in that dark realm, I arrived before the King of Hell. Reviewing my past, I repented before the King and before all the beings I should have helped. I wept bitterly, but I knew that tears alone could not make amends for everything. I was destined to become a wandering soul, a spirit lost in the void. But the King of Hell was compassionate; seeing my sincere repenting, he granted me the position of a jailer.

I was overjoyed to receive this opportunity and served the beings in the hells with all my heart. I saw how stubborn and difficult they were to save, mostly because they did not understand the Truth. I am so grateful that the Dharma-sound of Practitioner Su reached into the hells, allowing those who heard it to understand and wake up. After listening to the teachings, I sincerely made a vow to follow the Buddha once more. I am so grateful to the Buddha for giving me this chance to be reborn in the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss. I am eternally grateful to Practitioner Su.

Shi Qiufeng bows in reverence."

Namo Amituofo.