The Regret of a Lifetime of Study

This is a record of an interview with Lay Practitioner Xu Xingmin, who sought deliverance at the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre in Australia. He now resides in the Western Land of Dharma Nature. This account reflects upon his life and his transition to the Western Pure Land. Recorded by the chief writer, Shi Fajing, on August 5, 2022.

Lay Practitioner Xu Xingmin speaks:

"Namo Amituofo. Within the magnificent assembly of the Western Pure Land, I have been granted a seat. As I gaze upon the compassionate Buddha before me, an infinite sense of gratitude wells up within my heart. I dare not even sit; I remain kneeling throughout, listening to the teachings and chanting the Buddha-name without ceasing. I am filled with gratitude for the great compassion of the Buddha.

This moment is one I have long awaited. During my time in the world, I spent my life counseling others to chant the name of Namo Amituofo, to hold fast to the sacred Buddha-name, and to never let the practice falter. I taught that by doing so, one would surely ride the lotus to the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss, attain Buddhahood directly, and forever escape the suffering of the cycle of reincarnated existence."

The Gap Between Knowledge and Practice

"My own heart yearned for this as well. I strove to learn how to keep the Buddha-name constant in my mind, flowing continuously through my ears, my heart, The Head, and eventually enveloping my entire being. I sought to place the Buddha-name firmly within my heart, embracing it at every moment so that it would never leave my distracted mind. Only by cutting off all delusions can one achieve the level of skills required to connect with the Buddha-heart of the Western Pure Land.

However, there remained a persistent gap between what I chanted, what I thought, and what I truly accomplished. If the heart of the practitioner is mixed with other intentions, it is difficult to achieve success. Even if one possesses a sincere vow, if the strength of that vow is insufficient—if one allows other thoughts to arise unconsciously—the power of that vow is halved. Its effectiveness is diminished, and in the end, it may return to zero. One fails to be reborn in the Western Pure Land and instead falls into other paths. This is not the fault of anyone else; it is simply that my own practice lacked the necessary strength. I had not practised enough, nor was I fully prepared. At that critical juncture, I could not step onto the lotus of the West and instead fell elsewhere."

Reflections on a Lifetime of Service

"Throughout my life, I taught others, and I did not have many worldly desires. Yet, within my chanting, there was ego-attachment—attachment to what I had studied and attachment to what I knew. This attachment made my chanting impure. This impure heart was mixed with worldly thoughts and lacked true compassion, keeping me far from the Western Pure Land, though I did not realise it while I was alive. Fortunately, there remained a seed of pure goodness in my heart. Based on this goodness and my lifelong dedication to teaching and rectifying the hearts of others, even though I could not step onto the lotus at the time of my passing, I was still able to ascend to the heavens, entering the second level of the heavens to continue my chanting.

Looking back on my life, I see that this is the nature of life and the nature of reincarnated existence. Life is merely this. In the end, the one who suffers is the spirit that truly undergoes reincarnation, unable to attain permanent liberation. My heart is filled with sighs. I spent my entire life studying the Buddha’s teachings—was the goal not to be reborn in the Western Pure Land?"

The Illusion of Intellectual Achievement

"I divided my life into two parts: one part dedicated to Confucianism and the other to Buddha’s teachings. I integrated the two, advancing them simultaneously, and I invested myself deeply in both. What was the achievement of this life? I left behind many writings and Dharma talks for future generations, hoping they could learn and benefit from them.

In such a life, I worked hard every single day. As long as I had breath, I worked; there was nothing else. But even in those days, there was attachment in my heart. What was I attached to? I was attached to what I believed needed to be done, attached to what I had learned, and attached to the inability to let go of these things. And where were these attachments? They were all like dreams, illusions, bubbles, and shadows. I grasped tightly to these illusions, and in the end, it all became empty. Although I reached the heavenly realms, it was not permanent. When the time comes, I will still be reincarnated into other paths. If I am fortunate enough to get a human body again, I do not know where I will be born. Whether it is good or bad depends on the laws of karma and cause and effect. It is precise, and no one can escape the judgment of karmic retribution. At that time, I could only accept it—willingly accept it—for I could not change the result."

A Debt of Gratitude to Practitioner Su

"Fortunately, before I was to continue in the cycle of reincarnated existence, I was saved by the compassion of Practitioner Su. Only at this moment am I able to be reborn in the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss. I thank Practitioner Su. During my lifetime, I was not familiar with Practitioner Su, nor did I understand that she had the ability to lead spirits to rebirth in the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss. If someone had told me this while I was alive, I fear I would have found it difficult to believe. It is truly difficult to believe, and it is inconceivable.

After I was led by Practitioner Su to the Western Dharma-Nature Land, I had a profound realisation. Only then did I understand many things, including who Practitioner Su is, how everything here operates, and I also saw many things happening in the world."

The Truth Beyond the Physical

"To practise truly and honestly—there is no need for many words; one will naturally be understood. If there are still those who do not understand, that is a matter of their own Causal Conditions; there is no need to worry. With a pure heart, one should continue to practise, saving those who are connected by karmic affinity. Those who are saved will then save others. Once the Causal Conditions are gradually opened and more people are saved, everything will be fulfilled.

When discussing 'truth' and 'falsehood'—who is true and who is false—there is always much debate. Who, then, is truly real? People in the world always want to know the bottom line and understand things clearly. I want to tell the world: what you believe to be true is true. If you have no faith, even if I tell you it is true and manifest the reality clearly before your eyes, you will still cling to your own thoughts and refuse to believe. Then, it has no meaning.

Our brains and our Six Roots, before they can be completely purified, are always easily influenced. How then can we know what is real and what is false? Now I can see clearly. This reality and falsehood do not lie in everything the world sees with its eyes. In the world that the eyes cannot see, the truth is revealed to me. After a lifetime of practice, where one ends up and the final result—only then does one understand what is true and what is false."

A Shared Regret with Venerable Master Chin Kung

"I had a very deep karmic affinity with Venerable Master Chin Kung. We were from the same hometown and were taught by the same teachers. This connection allowed us to know and cherish one another, and I admired him greatly. However, now that we have both lost our human bodies, looking back at the past and seeing the present, we both feel deeply. I asked Venerable Master Chin Kung, 'What is your feeling?' He also asked me, 'What is your feeling?' We did not speak, but in our hearts, we both knew: it is regret, it is remorse.

I dare not say I have achieved great things, but I can say that I never slacked off in my lifelong learning. Venerable Master Chin Kung also said that he never wasted a single day; from the moment he became a monk, he began giving Dharma talks and saving sentient beings. We worked hard for most of our lives, for over half a century, yet in the end, neither of us could rely on our own abilities to step onto the lotus of the West. This is a great regret.

Another regret is whether what we left for future generations can truly help them be reborn in the Western Pure Land. In the hearts of many, we were models and mentors, but we failed to set the most important example. This is a great pity. I hope that Venerable Master Chin Kung, who has such influence, can exert a little more effort to help the vast number of followers truly understand the Buddha’s teachings. This Buddha-teaching is not about having more knowledge or learning more, but about truly modifying one’s inner self and cultivating the pure, true Pure Land within the heart.

Here at Practitioner Su’s centre, I have truly seen it: a piece of Pure Land, truly pure and unstained. Venerable Master Chin Kung has also seen it and believes. Now that we no longer have physical bodies, there is a distance between us and the people of the world. They cannot see us, and what we say has become difficult to believe. Regardless of how many people believe, those who do, come! Come and see me and Venerable Master Chin Kung.

Do not mistake the false for the true, and do not mistake the truth for the false. Since our eyes cannot see clearly, let us use our 'heart' to truly feel it!

Xu Xingmin, with palms joined in prayer.

Namo Amituofo."