The Wandering Soul Finds Home

This is a record of an interview with the spirit of the celebrated writer Sanmao, who sought deliverance at the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre in Australia. She now resides in the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss. This account reflects upon her life and the karmic causes that led to her transformation. Recorded by the chief writer, Li Jiaxian, on June 3, 2017.

Li Jiaxian speaks: "With ten bows to the Buddha, it is my great honour today to interview the gifted lady and literary talent, Ms. Sanmao. Namo Amituofo’s great compassion leaves no one behind; His vow created the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss. Through the compassionate invitation of Practitioner Su, Ms. Sanmao was brought to the Western Dharma-Nature Land of the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre to listen to the Dharma. With her Causal Conditions matured, she attained rebirth in the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss. I invite Ms. Sanmao to explain in detail the circumstances that led her to the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre and the process of her rebirth, so that the world may better understand the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss. Namo Amituofo."

Sanmao speaks: "Namo Amituofo. My heart was like duckweed, drifting aimlessly with the wind. I floated to many places, yet I never knew where my true home was. Life is like a dream, and a dream is like life—I felt this deep within my heart. I constantly asked myself: where is my true home?"

The Ivory Tower of Childhood

"From a very young age, after being punished by my teachers, my fragile heart was deeply wounded. This trauma triggered a profound depression. I disliked interacting with the outside world or being around crowds, so I locked myself away in my own ivory tower. My parents, seeing me in such pain, were heartbroken. They tried to unlock the chains around my heart by encouraging me to learn various arts and painting, hoping to help me slowly step out of my self-imposed isolation.

As I grew older, the first stirrings of emotion began to bloom. I was completely swept away by romance, and despite my parents' strong objections, I insisted on making my own decisions regarding my life partner. Unexpectedly, I discovered that he was already a married man. The blow was devastating. My parents tried to take me away from that place of sorrow, travelling abroad so I could continue to pursue my dreams. Yet, the trauma in my heart remained unhealed for a long time. When the pain became unbearable, I would pick up a pen and paper to record every detail of my inner turmoil. Sometimes, I would fantasise about a romantic love, walking along the beach with a lover, watching the sun as it prepared to set. The beautiful sunset would reflect across the entire ocean in a riot of colours. I often imagined I had a perfect, romantic love, so I began to draw and write. After submitting my work to publishers, they helped me release my books, and my pieces were frequently published in the literary sections of newspapers."

The Cycle of Suffering

"In my two marriages, the people I loved most were unexpectedly taken from me. My heart was wounded once again, and the pain was impossible to soothe. I often relied on sleeping pills just to find rest, and I spent much of my time in a daze. In that hazy, dreamlike state, I wrote down the deepest thoughts of my heart—the ones no one else knew. After my loved ones left, I held little hope for life. Although my literary works were quite popular, my own life felt so ethereal, with nowhere to return and nothing to rely upon. My depression grew increasingly severe, and I had to rely on medication just to sleep. Sometimes, when I could not fall asleep, I would even increase the dosage. My body began to fail, and I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. I hit rock bottom. I had not a shred of hope left for life; every day, I relied on medication to suppress my illness, and I was in absolute agony.

During my time in the hospital, I was often delirious. Sometimes I did not even know if I had taken my medicine, and at other times, I would take it repeatedly. At that moment, I only wanted to escape this body that I could no longer master. I ended my life in the hospital bathroom, thinking that suicide would free me from this diseased body. I never expected that in this space, I would be trapped in a cycle of repeating that final act over and over again, forever unable to escape that scene. Suddenly, I heard someone calling my name: 'Where is Sanmao?' I woke up with a start. My spirit followed a beam of light and arrived at the Hsiang Kuang Room. I saw a Bodhisattva with a compassionate face and a gentle smile looking at me. She asked, 'Are you Sanmao?' I replied that I was. This Bodhisattva then invited my spirit to the Western Dharma-Nature Land of the Hsiang Kuang Room. After listening to the Dharma, I understood that although I had come into this world, I had brought my karma with me. The karma created in past lives, the fruits that ripened when meeting conditions in this life, and the retribution I suffered—it was all a matter of the laws of karma and cause and effect. Only by seeking rebirth in the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss can one permanently escape the suffering of the six realms of rebirth. I am deeply grateful to Practitioner Su for guiding me to the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss during the Thrice Yearning Ceremonies."

Li Jiaxian: "Namo Amituofo. May I ask, Ms. Sanmao, when were your three souls and seven spirits first drawn out, leading to your illness?"

Sanmao: "The trauma I experienced from my teachers when I was young remained vivid in my dreams; one soul and one spirit were taken away then. Later, the trauma of my first marriage in adulthood caused two more spirits to be drawn away in my dreams. The pain of losing my lovers in two marriages often left me sobbing in my sleep, searching everywhere for their traces. At that point, another soul and three spirits were drawn out. My depression became increasingly severe, and I often suffered from hallucinations. My condition worsened until I grew weary of this world and chose that path of no return."

The Truth of Past Lives

Li Jiaxian: "May I ask, Ms. Sanmao, were your two marriages ending so early and the subsequent depression caused by karmic creditors from previous lives finding you? Namo Amituofo."

Sanmao: "About four lifetimes ago, I was born into a scholarly family. From a young age, my parents hired tutors to teach me the Four Books and Five Classics; I was proficient in music, chess, calligraphy, and painting. When I grew up, my parents found a refined young lady for me to marry. Even though I already had a beautiful wife at home, I was not content. I had a wide circle of friends, often reciting poetry with them, and I would even go to taverns where gifted ladies would accompany us.

I was a man of talent and appearance, and I enjoyed exchanging musical skills with these gifted ladies. They admired my talent, and we developed a mutual understanding and fell in love. You know how men are—with money, power, and talent, I replaced one young, beautiful woman after another. Some were unwilling to be abandoned by me, and in the end, some chose to end their own lives. There were so many women I had toyed with and abandoned. After being cast aside, these women spent their days in sorrow, ending their lives in misery.

Because of my desires, I owed far too many debts of emotion. The three marriages in this lifetime caused me to suffer endless trauma; this was the karma created in past lives and the retribution I received in this life. My suicide was actually those women I had harmed, who, while I was delirious, drew me into committing that act. I had treated them the same way back then, and the retribution I received was the same pain they had suffered. Seeing the women I had abandoned and hurt, I could empathise with their pain. My life was a process of experiencing that same suffering. I am repenting here for the women I harmed in my ignorance. I pray that Practitioner Su can perform Chao Du for the women I harmed in my past lives, so they may no longer suffer the pain of emotional wounds. May they be compassionately led by Namo Amituofo to the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss, allowing them to escape the suffering of the six realms of rebirth. I also hope that men and women in this world will no longer toy with or abandon one another."

Li Jiaxian: "Namo Amituofo! Thank you, Ms. Sanmao, for accepting this interview today."