This is a record of an interview with the late Venerable Laimin, who sought deliverance at the Hsiang Kuang Buddhist Centre in Australia. She now resides in the Western Land of Ultimate Bliss. This account reflects upon her life and her journey toward repentance. Recorded by the chief writer, Shi Fa Xi, on October 6, 2023.
Venerable Laimin speaks:
"(Weeping) . I am Laimin. My heart is in such agony right now, because I know that for me, everything has already come too late. Whether it is the I created in the past or the people I hurt through my own personality and habits, I am now truly, sincerely repenting. The person I was in the past was far too ignorant. I was constantly consumed by a 'fire of ignorance' that would ignite within me. I wanted to change, but I simply could not. I possessed all the delusions of greed, anger, and ignorance. I was even jealous of my fellow monastics. I was truly not a good disciple of the Buddha. I should have fallen into the hells; it was only through the of Practitioner Su, who reached out to guide me to the of the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre, that I was able to escape the sea of suffering."
A Life of Obstacles
"In this life, I entered the Buddha’s gate and became a nun. The greatest stroke of fortune was meeting Practitioner Su and learning to trust her. Venerable Shang Lai Xia Miao was a pivotal figure in my life; it was through his counselling that I began to change significantly. I knew my temper was volatile and my personality was poor. Even as a child at home, I was difficult to teach. After I became a monastic, these issues persisted. Consequently, I encountered many obstacles on my path of practice, and I now realise that I created every single one of those obstacles myself.
I was terrible—I was truly, utterly terrible! Fortunately, Venerable Shang Lai Xia Miao was always there to help me. His kindness toward me was as heavy as a mountain, yet I was unfilial and constantly defied my teacher. Often, when my teacher offered compassionate guidance, I could not take it in; I would feel uncomfortable. In truth, I knew I was wrong, but my character was too rigid and arrogant. Whenever my emotions flared, I would even talk back. I was just too awful! My teacher compassionately tolerated my rudeness and never gave up on me. In every aspect of daily life, he patiently taught me and tried to temper my personality, but I was stubborn, strong-willed, and difficult to tame. Yet, my teacher forgave me every single time. I have no way to repay his great kindness and virtue!"
The Poison of a Rigid Personality
"It was also through the magnificent causal conditions of my teacher that I was able to rely on his to meet Practitioner Su of the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre in Australia. After listening to the Sutras as explained by Practitioner Su, I realised my personality was deeply flawed and that I absolutely had to change. Practitioner Su once said, 'If you hold onto your personality, you will poison yourself to death.' I completely agree with this. Every time I finished listening to Practitioner Su’s talks, I felt so ashamed—truly, deeply ashamed! I was a stubborn and rigid person. I refused to admit defeat in anything, always competing to be the best. I was often driven by strong subjective views and arrogance, believing I was always right. I was unwilling to listen to the advice of others, and I did not even know when I was wrong. I am so incredibly ashamed of that.
Although I had been practising in the Buddha’s gate for many years, my body and mind remained unyielding. I could not truly experience the compassion and tolerance of the Buddha. On the path of practice, I had not even truly entered the gate; I did not even recognise the Buddha-heart. I was selfish and self-interested, always thinking only of myself and never considering the needs of others. My habits of greed, anger, ignorance, and arrogance remained unbroken. I was lazy and distracted. I could not even complete my daily practice properly. Sometimes I would fall asleep while reciting the Sutras without even realising it, and my mind was filled with messy thoughts and delusions that I could not stop. My heart was incredibly complex. My practice was not in accordance with the Dharma at all. When I saw others doing better than me, jealousy would naturally arise. My mind-capacity was too small to tolerate the achievements of others. My thoughts were so poor that I would even design obstacles to hinder the practice of others. I could not control myself. I was truly, truly terrible! Practitioner Su was right: I was a person of the Demon Realm. But I did not want to enter the Demon Realm. Thankfully, Namo Amituofo and Practitioner Su saved me."
The Weight of
"Several years ago, I wanted to come to the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre in Australia to practise and change myself. Because I listened to Practitioner Su’s Dharma talks, I knew she was a true practitioner. I believed that if I came to this Pure Land to practise, I could break through the difficulties I had faced for years. However, my blessings were insufficient, and I could not come to Australia. I was tethered by many causal conditions. Only now do I realise that this was my karma and my retribution. I see now that at the time, I did not truly want to practise on myself, so I could not reach such a pure and magnificent Pure Land.
Later, I continued to listen to Practitioner Su’s Dharma talks, and I did change a little. Although it was not much, I took many of her words to heart—such as the necessity of changing one's personality and the importance of not being drowsy during practice. I remembered these things and began to strive for change.
I believe in the importance of , so I began to perform it from that time on. Although I did not perform much, I felt it was truly effective. At the very least, my heart was not as chaotic, and I felt more at peace. Perhaps it was because I knew my could be led away by the Buddha, and my heart felt joyful. I took the matter of Chao Du seriously. Even though I did not have much money, I knew it was vital. I remember performing Chao Du back then, not even knowing which of my own problems I was addressing; I just thought about letting all the sentient beings connected to my body be liberated and leave suffering behind. Only later did I begin to perform Chao Du for the beings connected to my own . Every time I performed Chao Du, my heart was filled with ."
A Life-Altering Illness
"After meeting Practitioner Su, my practice began to change. Because of her manifestation, I was willing to believe that the benefits of practice could be immense. I also realised that this body is a piece of 'technology'—we should not waste such a precious vessel. I decided in my heart to start over and practise earnestly. When I made this decision, I was very happy, even looking forward to the transformation I might undergo. But things did not go as planned. I experienced a major turning point in my life: I fell ill.
At my age, I never imagined I would become sick, but this illness came so suddenly and fiercely that it completely disrupted my life plans. Practitioner Su was absolutely correct: 'A person must absolutely not get sick!'
When I had to face the results of my medical diagnosis, my heart turned cold, and fear kept surging within me. The damage the disease caused to my body was obvious. Trapped in the suffering of illness, I deeply felt the bitterness of life. This made me understand the importance of practice even more, but this came too late. I no longer had the strength to change myself.
Gradually, I could not practise as I usually did. The disease attacked me so severely that many of my bodily functions were affected. I began to lose my appetite, and my spirit and physical strength deteriorated. At that time, my teacher helped me send a message to ask if I could come to the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre in Australia for treatment, but my blessings were still insufficient; my body could not withstand the long-distance flight. The Buddha’s teachings also indicated that I should not make the trip. I think the Buddha knew I would not survive this trial."
Facing the Final Moment
"This illness was truly the greatest trial of my life. When I entered the intensive care unit, my was still clear. At that time, the thought 'I don't want to die yet' kept running through my mind. But I also knew that I would likely not make it through this time, because I had not practised well in this life. I had not yet truly changed, my daily practice had not been genuine, and I had even consumed the offerings of the faithful. The karma of this life, added to the karma of my past lives—I truly could not repay it all! Fortunately, after listening to Practitioner Su’s Dharma talks, I learned of the suffering of sentient beings. When the doctor suggested I continue treatment, I did not do things that would harm other beings just to save my own life. Therefore, I chose not to continue treatment. I did not want to create any more negative karmic affinities with sentient beings. I knew my illness was caused by karma, and it was something that medicine could not cure.
When my life began to walk the path of death, the feeling was strange—a mix of fear, tension, and terror, but also a sense of peace, because I knew that from the moment of death, everything was already arranged. I am grateful to Practitioner Su for giving me this confidence to face death calmly. This is a state of mind I could not have cultivated in a lifetime of practice.
Every day I woke up, it could have been my last. I am very grateful to my teacher and the lay practitioners who practised with me at the retreat for helping me perform one hundred sessions of Chao Du for the merit-holders. At first, I really wanted to live, but later, I knew my body was finished. I stopped clinging to this life and instead focused on deep repentance. I cried for a long time.
I am grateful to my family for taking care of me when I was ill. I am grateful to everyone who accompanied me to the end of my life. When I had the Buddha statue brought into my hospital room, my heart felt as if it were being torn apart. I cried for such a long time; I truly knew how to repent for the past. I am very grateful to the Buddha for allowing my mind to remain clear until the very last moment of my life. I was able to arrange my affairs according to my own wishes, and I arranged that at the moment my breath ceased, I would be led by Practitioner Su to enter the Western Dharma-Nature Land of the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre. I had twice asked to enter the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre while I was alive, but I could not. In the end, I only had the opportunity to come after I died. I suppose this was my fate.
My illness came quickly and fiercely. Originally, I had complaints, but during this period of illness, I gradually felt the powerlessness of life. I stopped caring about so many things and instead began to take the laws of karma and cause and effect more seriously. I knew I had not done well in this life, and I must not have done well in my past lives, which is why I had so much retribution to repay in this life.
In the past, I was not a good child to my family. My personality was too stubborn; I was often rebellious, refused to be disciplined, and did as I pleased... I am sorry. I caused you all such a burden! I am now very repentant for what I did in the past, and for the bad things I said. If I hurt any of you back then, I sincerely apologise to everyone! Thank you for tolerating my personality. Every time my personality flared up, I probably made you very angry. Thank you for still being willing to be my family, even though you might not have had a choice. I still want to thank you for being my family in this life, for raising me, and for giving me the opportunity to know the Buddha’s teachings and become a monastic after I grew up. This kindness of upbringing is truly hard to repay. At the end of my life, I am very happy that I still had my family to accompany me."
A Message to the Living
"My practice in this life was a failure. I did not have the ability to cultivate myself well, and I did not sever my emotional attachments. But I am very happy because I have prepared my ticket to be reborn in the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss. I am very much at ease. Even though I still feel fear toward death, I know in my heart that Practitioner Su is already waiting for me, and I am about to truly see Namo Amituofo. I am very reassured, and I am willing to let go completely and leave this human world.
After I left my body, I was actually suffering retribution in the hells. I saw that from the process of my illness, I was constantly being interrogated and punished in the hells. The suffering of the spirit is many times greater than the suffering of the flesh! I am truly grateful to Practitioner Su for pulling me up. The suffering of the hells is truly terrifying. In addition to the sentient beings I hurt in the past coming to seek revenge, there were also the sins of not practising well in this life. All of these had to be interrogated and punished one by one. I saw the documents accusing me piled up higher than I was. I knew I could not repay them, especially the debts I owed to the void. If life could be lived over again, how would I dare to owe the money of the ten directions, or be a monastic who did not fulfil my duties? These are all things that consume one's blessings. In the past, I did not know these things, and I just lived day by day. Everything I ate and used at the temple, even the offerings from the faithful, must be repaid. As long as one does not achieve success in practice and does not help sentient beings achieve liberation, one must shoulder this karma. These are all sins!
Fortunately, I had this opportunity to come to the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre. When I saw the countless sentient beings during the , I knew my past practice was not in accordance with the Dharma. I had performed many Buddhist services at the retreat before, but none were as magnificent as those at the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre. I also saw my karmic creditors; there were truly so many beings waiting to seek revenge. If not for those one hundred sessions of Chao Du, I think I would be even more miserable than I am now. My karmic creditors could not be finished even with one hundred sessions. Now I am truly awake. I want to counsel everyone to truly practise, to truly change your personality, and to perform Chao Du for your own sentient beings. Only then can you change your karma.
Now I have arrived in the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss, and I will wait for you here. You must practise quickly, listen to the Sutras as explained by Practitioner Su of the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre in Australia, and chant Namo Amituofo more. You must follow the great compassionate Namo Amituofo; only the Buddha can save us.
There are too many people I need to thank in this life. I want to sincerely kowtow and express my gratitude to everyone once again. Laimin is waiting to reunite with you all in the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss.
