The Fragile Heart: A Reflection on Fame and Liberation

This interview features the late actress Chen Xiaoxu, who sought deliverance through the Buddha’s teachings. Having transitioned from her life in the entertainment industry to monastic life, she now resides in the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss. This testimony was recorded on June 1, 2017, at the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre.

Chen Xiaoxu speaks:

"Namo Amituofo. I am Xiaoxu. I come here to repent, to change my ways, and to let go. I am now in the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss, but I must be clear: I did not achieve this rebirth through my own merit alone. It was through the assistance of another that I was able to reach this place. She is known as Practitioner Su. I have heard that she is a devoted lay practitioner serving alongside the Venerable Master Chin Kung. Her correct knowledge and views truly embody the 'honest chanting' that the Master teaches. Even among some monastics, I have not seen such clarity of practice as I have seen in her."

"Although I took the monastic vows, from the time I became a monastic until I passed away, I could never truly forget that I was 'Chen Xiaoxu.' I created immense karma throughout my life. While I may have appeared as a gentle, indecisive woman to the public, today I want to be brave and tell everyone the truth: deep inside, I had a stubborn, unyielding nature. From the moment I stepped into the entertainment industry, my mind-capacity was never large enough. I could not let go of my own feelings and perceptions. That is the definition of a small mind-capacity."

The Shadow of Lin Daiyu

"I often joked that I was exactly like the character Lin Daiyu, and in truth, that was no exaggeration. Have you ever looked closely at Lin Daiyu? She was a delicate woman, a woman of deep emotion, but she was also incredibly strong-willed, competitive, and calculating. I may have packaged myself well, but these traits ultimately cost me my life; they were the price I paid for the cancer that took me. My life was heavy with the spiritual obstacles of emotional entanglements, a direct result of the karma I had accumulated in past lives. My path in love was rocky, yet rich in experience. I was deeply attached to emotions, including my love for my parents. I am truly sorry that, in my final moments, I could not face my illness with courage and could not properly say goodbye to my parents. I feel deep shame for the regret I left them. At the time, I had already become a monastic, which made the situation even more complicated. When I was playing the role of Lin Daiyu, my body began to show signs of illness. I knew it clearly, and that is why my acting career was not long-lived. However, I never once thought that this was a manifestation of the changes in my spirit and consciousness."

The Weight of Karmic Creditors

"By the age of twenty-eight, three of my souls had already been 'taken away' as a consequence of my emotional entanglements. Although I did not consider myself a person who acted purely on impulse, the conflicts and demands of my relationships caused me to sink deeper into the cycle of rebirth. Later, I devoted myself to the business world, managing my company with great effort and skill. Yet, it was precisely these business tactics that led me to create even more karma. Eventually, I became sensitive to my own unhappiness and the aging of my parents. I was fortunate enough to encounter the Venerable Master Chin Kung, and hearing his teachings deeply moved me, which led me to reach out to him personally."

"In truth, even when I was successful in business, all the wealth in the world could not fill the void and emptiness in my heart. I did not notice the changes in my body at the time. Looking back now, the illness had been developing for a long time. In my past lives, I was also a woman deeply trapped by emotional entanglements, so the karmic creditors who came for me were a large group of men. A strange change appeared in my right breast, but I was too focused on my economic life and external affairs. By the time I finally noticed that something was wrong, it was already too late. I was always very concerned with my appearance; my attachment to my body seemed to be an innate, powerful force. I wanted to present myself in the most perfect way until the very end, so the people I cared about most were the ones I chose not to see. I knew my sins were heavy and that I was receiving this retribution, so I sought only rebirth in the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss. I had no desire to accept medical treatment. This thought of wanting to die constantly swirled in my mind, especially in the dead of night or at dawn when the pain was unbearable. I had the Buddha's teachings as my anchor, and I was single-mindedly devoted to the Buddha. When I learned that my condition had worsened, I resolutely shaved my head and became a monastic. Even then, I remained focused on my external image—perhaps it was just a habit!"

A Final Awakening

"Although I studied the Buddha’s teachings and became a monastic, I did not truly practise them. I knew clearly that I had not changed my existing stubbornness or my fixed ideas. Even though many people cared for me and looked after me, no one ever saw the 'bad' side of me. At the age of thirty, because of my pursuit of economic success, I was caught by beings from the lower realms. At the time, I thought it was just work fatigue, and I kept trying to maintain my strength through work and nutritional supplements. Later, when I discovered my own depression and anxiety, it was actually because my spirit had already begun to develop a void. When I passed away, many people accompanied me and performed chanting for me, but my own stubborn thoughts were stronger than the sound of the chanting. I did not see the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss at all. Because my attachment was so powerful, I fell into the hells—the Iron Bed Hell, where I endured the agony of having my heart and intestines dug out. My life was not authentic; if you look closely, you will see it was filled with falsehoods. My life was never truly happy, and by the time I finally learned the Buddha's teachings, my life had already reached its end. There was always a piece missing."

A Message of Hope

"Now, I have the opportunity to help the Buddha's teachings and to repent and dissolve my karma. I hope that everyone who once loved and cared for me can be reborn in the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss just as I have been. To the respected Venerable Master Chin Kung, and to all of you, Namo Amituofo. I am now in the Western Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss; I am very free, and I am very happy. I am able to manifest here at the Hsiang Kuang Pure Land Buddhist Centre, and I earnestly hope that you will all come to find me. I cannot bear to see you all still suffering. Life in this world is nothing but suffering if one does not achieve liberation. I will always be here, waiting for you. Namo Amituofo."

Chen Xiaoxu, with palms joined, chanting Namo Amituofo honestly.